


maybe i found something good

by 18ziam



Series: 'cause i can't stop myself [4]
Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: (would've been bottom liam if there was smut), Asshole Zayn Malik, Boys In Love, Car Accidents, Character Death, Crying, Cute Kids, Desperately in love, Drug Use, Drugs, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Innocent Liam, Insecure Liam, Insecurity, Jealous Zayn, Jealousy, Kinda, Liam saves Zayn, Long Shot, Love at First Sight, M/M, Major Character Injury, Marriage Proposal, Men Crying, Middle School, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Zayn, Primary School, Protective Zayn, Racist Language, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Slut Shaming, Someone Help Them, Tags Are Hard, Tears, Teenagers, Texting, University, Upset Liam, Zayn-centric, feedback always appreciated, not really - Freeform, pls protect it, this is my baby, with 2 cups of coffee, written over 6 hours in the night, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/18ziam/pseuds/18ziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>liam is kinda beautiful. zayn is kinda fucked. </p><p>(or: zayn realises just how much he loves liam as they grow up from sugar–lipped young boys into charming young men)</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe i found something good

**Author's Note:**

> hey im back.. kinda!
> 
> written very late in the night. grammar rn is a bitch. im exhausted. wrote this last night posting it now. 
> 
> some content may be triggering? (not the tumblr triggered meme js)
> 
> dedicated to @jesswritesthings or @annoyedblckgirl on wattpad—ty for messing me and asking me where the fuck i was, it reminded me to post on here :)
> 
> enjoy!

**Liam is kinda beautiful. Zayn is kinda fucked.**   
†

  
Liam is kinda beautiful. With soft brown eyes that glow and sparkle under sunlight; which crinkle when he smiles too hard or when he laughs too much. 

  
Liam is kinda beautiful. With his chocolate–stained fingers and lips, and sugary words and voice like dripping honey.    
Liam is kinda beautiful. With his heart of gold and speech of silver. His smile brightening up anyone's day in a moment.    
Liam is kinda beautiful.    
  
†

  
Zain is infatuated ( _ big word!!! _ )

  
Infatuated by Liam. His soft curly hair and his soft pink lips. His soft gentle eyes and his soft pudgy fingers. His soft pale skin and his soft smiling face. His softness.   
  


Liam is his teddy bear. 

  
Liam is  _ his _ .    
  
†

  
Zain first met Liam at primary school. When he was 6 and Liam was 5. 

  
He didn’t like him at first. He found Liam too... _ good. Angelic. Perfect _ . He was  _ jealous _ , a word he did not understand yet (Liam probably did).

An emotion he was too young to comprehend. 

  
_ Everyone loved Liam _ . Liam, who was the milk monitor—spending his break time wearing a silly cap and handing out milk cartons to everyone. Liam, who could spell anything with a few scribbles of his pencil, tongue between his teeth. Liam, who would smile at everyone, like he couldn’t decide who was his  _ bestest _ , most  _ favouritest _ person. Like he liked everyone alike.    
  
Zain would skulk around behind the swings, trying to find special shaped rocks and pebbles, kicking sand at anyone who made fun of him. 

 

Zain was your classified, primary school— “ _ nerd” _

 

He liked being alone. It made him remember stuff, and think peacefully.    
  
Liam would find him one day, and tell him they needed more people to play “footie”, with a smile on his face and a positive, happy wavelength that Zain leeched onto immediately. 

 

He just seemed so. . .  _ real.  _ ( _ Genuine is the word he’s looking for _ .  _ Sincere _ )

  
Zain would nod, earnestly, and shove the special pebbles into his pocket before running after Liam; to play this weird game where everyone ran after one ball and yelled at each other for no reason. Where people tried to kick one ball into a weirdly shaped net.  _ Footie _ . 

 

( _ And maybe Zain doesn’t like being alone so much anymore. Not if he can have fun like this everyday _ )   
  
Liam would get so into the game, it was funny to watch. Every time he would start yelling at someone to “ _ pass the ball, pass the ball _ ” or pout when the other team scored a goal.    
  
Zain didn’t actually play. He would just run when the others did, and clap when the others did, and never let his eyes stray from Liam. 

  
He would get into his mumma‘s car that afternoon, and tell her all about Liam.

 

About how he was actually really nice, nicer than Zain expected. About how he asked Zain to join them. How he  _ yelled _ and  _ laughed _ and  _ clapped _ and  _ scored _ and  _ grinned _ like  _ everything _ made him happy.   
  
And his mumma would laugh and reach behind to mess up his hair and say,    
‘Well Zain, I'm glad you made a  _ friend _ ’   
  
_ Friend _ . Is Liam a friend? Is Liam  _ my _ friend? Is he my  _ best friend _ ?    
  
And the next day, when Liam gave him his milk carton and sat down beside him with a bright smile, and his noisy friend Lewis sighs and joins them, Zayn decides that   
  
_ Yes _ ,  _ Liam is my friend.  _

  
†

  
When Zain was 8 and Liam was 7; Zain got his first taste of bullying. 

  
It was stupid, really. 

  
He was playing footie with Louis and Liam, when some older kid came and snatched up the ball. 

  
He was all ugly grins and broad shoulders, and all Zain could hear was Liam’s crying when he clenched his fist and shoved it right into the mean boy's stomach.

  
_ No one can make Liam cry. Ever. _

  
He was prepared for the boy to start crying and call a teacher, maybe bring in his parents.    
  
What he wasn’t prepared for was the boy throwing the ball right at his face, and then growling something that sounded like “ _ filthy Paki _ ” as his vision blurred and he blacked out, hitting the concrete. 

  
And that night, as he's sitting in the living room, his family silent as his mumma wipes his bruised eye with Savlon, he brings it up again. 

  
'Mumma, what’s a filthy Paki?’

  
Safaa gurgles in his baba's lap and Waliyha makes a choked sound. Doniya tenses next to his mumma and his  _ mumma _ .    
His dear, sweet mumma’s face crumples and next thing he knows, she's running out of the room, followed by his baba. 

  
He then turns to Doniya, his (good) eye bright and curious, ‘Dee, what's a filthy Paki?’

 

A mind–reading ability would be helpful right now. He  _ knows _ Doniya knows what it is.

Zain may  _ be  _ only  _ eight,  _ but he knows when people are hiding things from him. 

  
All he receives as an answer is a warm kiss to his forehead and a shaky smile, ‘Not us,  _ baby _ . Not us'   
  


 

  
The kids at school seem to think differently as he goes into school the next day.    
As he nears his seat, he spots a piece of paper on his desk. Frowning, he picks it up and unfolds it, and the words make his eyes prickle like the onions his mumma cuts.

  
_ Why haven't the Taliban shot you yet? Go die, filthy Paki.  _

 

What’s the Taliban? What is a bleeping filthy Paki?

 

( _ That’s the word they use all the time on TV, innit? Bleeping _ )

  
When Liam comes in, his bright smile drops off his face at the sight of Zain huddled up in the book corner, eyes red and nose runny.

 

He throws his bag to a side and crouches in front of Zain, his own eyes watery and red. 

 

_ Liam is kinda beautiful.  _

 

'What’s wrong Zee?’ he asks, no,  _ begs _ ,  _ pleads _ and Zain silently thinks; promises that—

 

_ He will never let anyone make Liam look like this. Ever. Again. _   
  


†

 

Everyone's giggling and pointing the moment they step into the classroom. 

 

Liam is blushing furiously beside him and Louis keeps nudging him and pointing stuff out with a cackle. 

 

( _ Stop touching him damn it _ )

 

There’s a poster with a naked man and one with a naked woman. 

 

Zain finds himself intrigued by the first one. 

 

( _ His willy is so long— _ )

 

Liam keeps stuttering and peeking out between his fingers and—

 

_ He’s kinda beautiful.  _

 

His hair is styled into some rendition of Zain’s careful quiff, and the apples of his cheeks are a warm pink. 

 

His eyes are still brown like milk chocolate though, and if honey had a sound, it’d be as rich as Liam’s voice. 

 

Louis’ already rushed off to go compare the naked man’s nipple and the naked woman’s nipple, and that leaves  _ Liam and Zain.  _

 

_ LiamAndZain. _

 

Zain loves the way Liam looks just at his face, blushing whenever he hears a silly comment about the pictures. 

 

( _ He kinda wants Liam to blush like that around him all the time _ )

 

'Leeyum’ Zain mutters softly, unable to stop smiling when Liam looks up at him. 

 

'That’s gonna be us someday. You need to be comfortable with your own body'

 

_ And he doesn’t know where this is coming from—he just knows that he delights in the way Liam pulls his hands away from his face, and looks at Zain like he’s a bleeping genius.  _

 

Liam wriggles closer to Zain on the bench, and Zain just kinda stops breathing.

 

( _ He thinks it’s because he doesn’t want Liam to smell that rank bacon sandwich he had in the morning _ )

 

'That’s a really long willy’ Liam mutters thoughtfully and Zain laughs fondly. 

 

'I thought so too’

 

'Wouldn’t that be hard to keep in your pants?’ Liam says innocently, still eyeing the poster out of the corner of his eye. 

 

Zain shrugs and looks up thoughtfully, 'That’s why baba’s underwear is so bleeping big’

 

Liam makes an “ _ O _ ” shape with his mouth and nods understandingly. 

 

'You’re so smart Zain—I bet you're secretly Clark Kent’

 

†

 

Zain’s 11—11, when he can  _ finally _ leave this “shithole”, as his father described it. 

 

All the other kids were crying and hugging and even  _ kissing  _ as they went around the playground, signing each other’s skin and yearbook and t–shirts—

 

And Zain remembers thinking; “ _ How stupid? Do they not know the ink is gonna come off anyway? What’s the point of ruining your stuff for this?” _   
  


But when Liam jogs up to him with a watery smile and a pack of brand new felt–tips tucked in his pants, Zain doesn't think twice before extending his arm and letting Liam mark his skin. 

 

And when Liam hands him a pen, and bares his arm to Zain (which is already  _ smothered  _ in ink), Zain can't think of the  _ thousand and one  _ words he'd like to pen down for him. 

 

_ Dagnabbit, you’re such a bleeping idiot.  _

 

Instead he signs it:  _ hey li, im so glad we’re going to the same secondary school bc i dont know what id do without u. ur my fave, ilysm. zayn :) x _

 

_ (What does “ilysm” even mean? Doni keeps texting it to someone called ❤) _

 

And Liam giggles, 'Zee, you've spelt your own name wrong!’ and thinks it’s funny and pinches Zayn’s cheeks for it, but. 

 

Zayn knows. He’s not going to go into secondary school with the “weird kid, weird name” title. 

 

He's  _ Zayn _ . Not Zain. He’s  _ Zayn _ Javaad Malik.    
  


 

†

 

Just a month later, Zayn ends up sitting in a different place with most of the same people. 

 

_ Wolverhampton High.  _

 

The seat beside him is empty and he keeps looking around, trying to look desperately casual. 

 

( _ It isn’t really working _ )

 

_ Where are Louis and Liam?!  _

 

Before he can try and sneak another glance at the door, a gangly–limbed lad is collapsing into the seat beside him, messy curls covering most of his face. 

 

'Well I’m not effin’ sorry’ he yells, huffing, before straightening up and turning to Zayn. 

'Hullo’ he muses and Zayn nods, his lips a thin, judgemental line. 

 

'M Harry. You?’ 

 

'Zayn’ 

 

'Zen? Like calm? I know how to meditate yanoe–’

 

'Z–A–Y–N. Zen’

 

'. . . Zen?’ 

 

Zayn huffs and turns to the front, worriedly looking out for Louis or Liam. 

 

Eventually, Liam does come in. With Louis. 

 

_ But something's wrong.  _

 

Their hands are joined and they’ve both got identical smiles on their faces. 

 

Liam’s blushing and Louis keeps nuzzling into Liam’s neck, gets his head playfully pushed away by Liam  _ again  _ and  _ again.  _

 

( _ His parents do that sometimes. This weird thing where they blank the world out and just. . . Act all mushy–mushy _ )

 

Zayn bites his lip and watches with furrowed eyebrows as they take a seat at the last spare bench, still gazing round happily. 

 

Liam’s eyes land on Zayn, and they positively  _ light up. _ He turns to Louis and says something, before ( _ finally _ ) pulling away from him and walking towards Zayn. 

 

( _ His heart beats so loud, he can hear it in his head. Like when his mumma's chopping meat so loud, he can hear it in his bedroom.  _

 

_ She does that when she's angry though. Is Zayn’s heart angry? _ )

 

'Zee!’ he exclaims, his voice slightly deeper and gruffer. 

 

He pulls Zayn up by the hand and engulfs him in an awkward, one–armed hug. 

 

Liam smells different. Not in an unpleasant way—just, mintier and more like. . . Louis.

 

_ Zayn’s heart still flutters.  _

 

'How were your holidays?’ Liam says, pulling away with a smile. 

 

( _ The same smile he flashed Zayn on the last day of school, before his mum drove him away. That same, loving, hopeful smile that Zayn kept thinking about everyday. He’s even started seeing it in his dreams now–he wakes up panting sometimes and finds his willy all weird and . . . Standing _ )

 

Zayn shrugs, 'How was your birthday?’

 

Zayn hadn't been able to make it to Liam’s birthday because it was his Dadi's birthday and he had to visit her.  

 

He had begged and pleaded and argued with his parents  _ so much  _ — but they didn't let him go. They didn't understand that it was the last birthday where Liam and Zayn would still be in primary school. Where they’d still share the same friend circle. 

 

(It was the last birthday where he'd get to have Liam all to himself)

 

Liam grins, 'It was sick mate—Louis, Stan and Andy came and we all went laser-tagging and–’ he looks down shyly, 'Louis asked me to be his boyfriend’

 

Zayn’s heart sinks, and he feels really ill all of a sudden.  _ Really ill.  _

 

_ Liam likes boys? _

 

'What did you say then?’ he croaks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

 

Liam looks at him weirdly for a second, before shaking his head, smile reappearing, 'I said yes, duh’

 

_ He said yes... _

 

'It's sick, innit?’ Liam adds, when Zayn doesn't say anything, his eyes sparkling, struggling not to smile, ''S bloody brilliant’

 

He laughs breathlessly and Zayn smiles weakly, distracted. 

 

_ No, it's not bloody brilliant. It's, it's — _

 

He is brought back to reality when Liam places a hand on his shoulder, his smile looking gloomier. 

 

'Missed you though, Zee’ Liam pouts, 'We need to catch up’

 

_ You caught up with everyone but me, anyway.  _

 

Instead he agrees with Liam before rushing out of the room with the excuse of forgetting his books. 

 

It's only when he’s run along 3 corridors, his heart thudding violently enough to be painful, that he realises he  _ has no books yet.  _

 

_ That was a shit excuse.  _

 

_ Liam has probably realised, that Zayn is a complete  _ _ twat  _ _ who is pining over his best friend. He’s probably laughing about it in Louis’ ear by now, in Louis’ lap— _

 

And with that image in his head, he flops against a locker and hugs his knees to himself, and takes deep breaths, willing himself to calm down. 

Willing himself not to cry. 

 

_ Liam is not mine.  _

_ Liam is not mine.  _

 

†

 

**(from li ❤)**

**z u ok?**

 

**(from li ❤)**

**louis stan n i were gonna get slushies nd go 2 see a flim for my bday. wanna cum?**

 

**(to li❤)**

**“cum” lmao.**

 

**(from li❤)**

**z u didnt answr my qstn.**

 

**(to li❤)**

**maybe its because i cant bloody understand what youre trying to say in your fcking texts?**

 

**(to li❤)**

**and no, i dont wanna fourth-wheel your stupid 3some.**

 

**(from li❤)**

**it’s gnna be fun. suicide squad???**

 

**(to li❤)**

**suicide is what id rather do over hanging out w stupid–haircut–stan and urs n louis love fest lmao.**

 

**(from li❤)**

  1. **stop it.**



 

**(to li❤)**

**stop what baby? 0:)**

 

**(from li❤)**

**i’m not a baby**

 

**(to li❤)**

**_Draft: well ur my baby…_ **

 

_ Draft message deleted. _

**(to li❤)**

**yh ok whatevr u say**

 

_ Contact name successfully changed.  _

 

**(from liam)**

**u kno what. bye. i keep trying and tyring and tyring but ur bng a dick gain n again. screw urself w a cactus.**

 

**(to liam)**

**stolen straight from tumblr i see?**

 

**(from liam)**

**fuck of.**

 

†

 

Zayn and Harry become best mates. After 3 years.

Harry still can't pronounce his name, but Zayn doesn’t care. 

 

He cares about  _ Liam _ . 

 

Liam, who has broken up with Louis. Correction, who Louis  _ cheated on.  _

 

Innocent, adorable  _ Liam _ , who has apparently been going round giving people blowjobs during lessons. 

 

_ Slut, whore, slag, bitch  _ — he hears all these words used to describe Liam regularly now. 

 

He heard some guy remarking on how Liam gave “ _ good head _ ”. 

 

And Zayn doesn't know what to do with that information. 

  
  
  


Harry and him decide to spend their Saturday at a bowling arena, but Harry finds some old friends and they start talking and Zayn is  _ bored _ . 

 

_ Was Liam bored when he decided to throw himself away like that? Let everyone use his body like that.  _

 

He shudders at the thought. 

 

It must be some sort of reverse psychology; like Liam's trying to prove something. That people  _ want him too.  _

 

_ He has nothing to prove. He’s perfect and Louis was a prick. But this has obviously messed with his self–esteem.  _

 

_ Too much thinking, Zayn, now you need to pee _ . 

 

He kinda just sidles away from Harry and his friends, who don't really notice or care that he’s gone. 

 

As soon as he enters the bathroom, he hears a whimper.  _ A whimper. _

 

'Hullo?’

 

No reply. 

 

Zayn furrows his eyebrows, and walks further in. Another sob catches him off guard and he whips round to the cubicle he thinks it came from.

 

_ Zayn you really need to pee. _

 

Peeing can wait, he decides as he calls out again. 

 

'You okay in there?’

 

There’s no reply again, and he’s seriously just about to turn for the urinal when the person calls out. 

 

'Zee?’

 

And that unmistakable voice sends Zayn’s heart into overdrive as he kicks at the door once, twice, and then throws it open to reveal Liam. 

 

_ Liam.  _

 

Liam who is still kinda beautiful, with tears in his eyes, cheeks red and puffy. Whose lips are red and glossy like he’s just been sucking—

 

_ Yea.  _

 

Looking so soft and puppy–like and beautiful. And lost and stressed and  _ dead. _

 

'Oh Leeyum’ Zayn whispers, forgets entirely about his bladder as he rushes in and scoops Liam up in his arms, hushing him and whispering that  _ it’s all gonna be okay.  _

 

Zayn’s heart hurts whenever Liam trembles and apologises and grips onto his shirt and  _ cries.  _

 

_ 'Help me Zayn. Please help me out of here’ _

 

_ Zayn is kinda fucked.  _

 

†

 

When Zayn is 15, he finds a group of people he really gets along with. 

 

There’s a whole group of them, but it's mainly Ant and Danny, who he enjoys spending time with. 

 

Ant and Danny are brothers, who both enjoy being rebellious, drinking underage, smoking (but not cigarettes) and partying. 

 

They’re renowned around Wolverhampton High for their “escapades” and adventures, and Zayn is kinda  _ honoured  _ when they talk to him. 

 

It's on the first day of Year 11 that Zayn discovers them, smoking outside amongst the bushes.

 

_ They look so. . . relaxed.  _

 

Danny, the older of the two, spots him out of his peripheral vision, and looks up, a crooked grin forming on his lips. 

 

He holds up his joint and cocks his head at Zayn. 

 

( _ His eyes are red and puffy, like he’s been crying too much or smoking too much. Neither is good _ )

 

'Wann’a drag?’ he rasps and  _ Zayn.  _ Wide–eyed and open–mouthed and curious Zayn nods, dropping his stuff before taking a seat in front of them. 

 

_ I mean,  _ Zayn thinks,  _ no harm if I do? Liam is not here to tell me off, and it's not like I’m gonna get addicted.  _

 

The boy, Danny, reaches for a square strip of paper from his bag, before tipping the contents of a little baggy into it and rolling it up into a cylindrical, ciggy shape. 

 

He hands it to Zayn with a nod of his head, and the other boy, Ant, chucks Zayn the lighter. 

 

With shaky fingers, Zayn places the roll between his lips, ( _ “wrong way man”  _ Danny chuckles, high–fiving Ant as Zayn adjusts it with red cheeks) and flicks the lighter on so the flame catches. 

 

He stares at the tongue of yellow and orange dancing around in front of his eyes, and feels high already. 

 

_ High on emotion.  _ This is the first time he’s doing something so  _ big _ , without Liam by his side. 

 

It’s improvement.  _ He’s not pining.  _

 

'Go on then’ Ant speaks up, and the ciggy almost falls from between Zayn’s lips. 

 

He glances at the boys in front of him nervously, before positioning the lighter so the flame just  _ licks  _ at the end of the paper. 

 

The roll just catches alight, when Zayn is interrupted by an all–too–familiar voice saying an all–too–familiar name. 

 

_ 'Zee?’ _

 

The spliff drops from his lips with a gasp and suddenly, he doesn’t seem so old and mature and  _ cool.  _

 

He whips around to face a much more grown, taller Liam, who looks as scandalised as when Zayn revealed to him that babies were  _ not  _ in fact pumped out by machines in Japan and shipped all over the world like deliveries. 

 

( _ “So it’s true” Liam breathed, shuddering, “My parents actually” he mimes pumping a finger between his other hand's thumb and forefinger. He shudders again _ )

 

'Li’ he breathes and he thinks he hears Ant and Danny snicker behind him. 

 

Liam frowns, his eyes filling up already. Ready to cry. 

 

'You were gonna do drugs?’ he asks, and Zayn doesn't think he’s ever felt this exposed.  _ Never. _

 

_ 'No Li that's not—’ _

 

‘Then what the fuck are you doing here?!’ Liam hisses, glancing around, 'Do you know you could get  _ arrested  _ for doing this?!’ 

 

' _ Li—’ _

 

_ ' _ Zayn!’ Liam interrupts, raising his voice, 'I don't know why you’ve been so distant lately, or why you  _ never  _ wanna hang out with Andy and I, but if  _ this  _ is why you don't wanna spend time with us–’ 

 

( _ No no that’s not why, Liam. Dear, sweet, beautiful, Liam. I love you. My heart hurts around you. I can't do this, that's why— _ )

 

'Zayn—’ Liam says determinedly, 'I’m helping you like you did me. Come with me’

 

Both Ant and Danny snort at that, immediately breaking into whispers, ' _ How fucking prissy’ _

 

'Liam’ Zayn begs, because he really  _ does _ want to enjoy this joint. 

 

'Oi, stop emotionally blackmailing Zaynie here’ Ant interrupts, and Zayn whips around to him, wondering how the hell he became  _ Zaynie _

 

Liam purses his lips and narrows his eyes at the Riach brothers, 'Since when is he  _ your Zaynie? _ ’

 

( _ Now would be the right time for him to go dig a hole to China _ )

 

Danny pats Zayn’s back and crawls up beside him, graceful and slow as a snake, 'Oh he’s not yours either baby boy, back the fuck off’

 

Someone taps Zayn’s shoulder and he turns to the side to face Ant for a second, before lips are on his. 

 

He hears a gasp and an “ _ Alli Alli kitten” _ as Ant breathes out dirty–coloured smoke into his mouth, fingers squeezing his cheeks, forcing him to take it all in. 

 

He hears quick, retreating footsteps somewhere in the distance and before he can pull away and explain to Liam that “ _ Babe I’ve never done this before, he came on to me!”— _

 

Liam’s gone. 

 

He breaks down into violent coughing and Danny pats his back through the whole episode, and  _ maybe  _ those tears in Zayn’s eyes are  _ not _ because of the potent weed. 

 

( _ Liam _ )

 

†

 

' _ Liam’  _ Zayn hisses, rushing down the corridor after Liam, who apparently walks like Usain Bolt running the 100m. 

 

_ Or Zayn is just an unfit fucker.  _

 

'LIAM!’ he says, louder this time. Liam just ignores him. 

 

Finally Liam goes into a room, and Zayn groans, relieved.  _ No more walking, good.  _

 

But then the door’s slamming in his face and he’s standing outside looking painfully like Anna in Frozen. 

 

_ Do you wanna hear me apologise? _

_ Or do you wanna fucking play? _

 

'LIAM!’ he yells again, banging his closed fist against the door.

 

'WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN UPSET?!’ He adds, still yelling. 

 

He's ready to bang the door once more when Liam steps out and tugs him inside, slamming the door behind him. 

 

'One of my  _ best mates  _ is about to do drugs and fuck his life up’ Liam hisses, red–cheeked and wide–eyed, 'And I shouldn't be  _ upset _ ?! The fuck?!’

 

Zayn is about to open his big mouth and say some stupid shit, when he sees the expression on Liam’s face. 

 

It reminds him of when he lost Liam to Louis. 

 

Liam looks  _ scared _ . Like. . . Like he’s losing Zayn to. . . Drugs? Ant and Danny?

 

_ Liam is kinda beautiful.  _

 

'Oh Liam’ Zayn sighs, for the second time in his life, 'Don’t worry about me—I can take care of meself’

 

Liam sighs and steps backward. Zayn takes a step forward.

 

'Zayn’

 

'Liam’

 

And Liam's crashing into his arms, their bodies colliding like some ace reaction. 

 

Like bloody fire and water or summat.  _ Complete opposites. _

 

Zayn (who reeks of smoke and failure and perfume and mint,  _ lust _ ) wraps his arms around Liam (who is surrounded by happiness and success and lovely people and just,  _ love _ )

 

'Don't burn out’ Liam mumbles softly, his hands tightening around Zayn’s waist. 

 

Zayn kisses his short hair and shakes his head fondly,

 

' _ Never _ ’

  
  


†

 

Zayn is 16, when the news about prom rolls around. 

 

He’s been working pretty hard in between  _ Liam  _ and  _ getting high.  _

 

'Pass the beer, will ya?’ 

 

Zayn snorts, balancing the spliff between his lips as he reaches over and slides the beer bottle along to Danny. 

 

'Cheers’ his friend nods, before placing the bottle to his lips and gulping down the contents. Then he burps, loudly and unabashedly. 

 

Zayn and Ant both groan and Danny just cackles, flicking the ash off his joint at them. 

 

'So’ Ant hums when they've recovered, 'Any birds to take to prom yet?’ 

 

Danny shrugs as Zayn takes a puff of his spliff, 'I was thinking of Shay? Yanoe Shay Mitchy?’

 

Ant lets out a wolf–whistle and Zayn chuckles, shaking his head. 

 

'She’s peng mate—nice one' he admits, and both Ant and Danny grin identically. 

 

'Thanks Zaynie—what about you?’ Danny nudges him cheekily, 'Got yerself some model or summat?’ 

 

Zayn shrugs, laying down next to them, 'I don't know. . . Plus, I think I'd rather some bloke with a nice ass and some muscle, abs and tha shit yanoe? Who could get me going?’

 

He looks at them out of the corner of his eye, his breath hitched in his throat, waiting for their response. 

 

_ This is basically the first time he’s acknowledged in public that he's gay.  _

 

_ Well, this is hardly public but small beginnings? _

 

Instead Ant just grins lazily and sits up, slapping Danny against his chest, 'Good on you mate. Find yerself some buff guy soon yea?’

 

_ Zayn’s heart relaxes and he feels able to breathe again.  _

 

'Yea’ Danny joins in, eyes twinkling mischievously, ‘Or just take me, yanoe’

 

Zayn snorts, flicking his spliff at him, 'You? Buff? Nah mate, don't kid yourself’

 

And that's how they end up laughing and rolling about on the terrace like deranged drunkards, instead just bright–eyed teenagers finding their way through life. 

 

†

 

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in— _

 

As soon as he hears the click of the door, Zayn looks up and throws the Pokéball. 

 

'LIAM PAYNE! I CHOOSE YOU!’

 

Liam yelps as the ball hits him smack in the forehead before hitting the ground and rolling away. 

 

He rubs his head and looks up, annoyed, 'Zayn?! What the fuck?!’

 

_ Liam looks kinda beautiful. Bruise forming on his forehead, frowning more than he’s ever frowned before, wearing his laziest sweatpants and oldest t–shirt.  _

 

Zayn bites his lip, trying not to laugh and shrugs, 'I choose you for prom’

 

Liam raises an eyebrow, before lowering it again, 'Ow ow ow—’

 

Fuck, has he permanently damaged Liam’s eyebrow muscle or something?

 

_ Is that a thing? Eyebrow muscle? _

 

'Hold on, lemme—’ he approaches Liam with furrowed eyebrows, and gently cups Liam’s cheeks in his hands. 

 

'Try raising your eyebrows’ he instructs and Liam tries, grimacing in pain. 

 

'Ow ow ow’

 

'Shit Liam I’m so sorry’ Zayn mumbles, still trying to twist Liam’s face and look out for a mark of some sort. 

 

'I–I’m fine. Don't worry’ Liam grumbles, a blush rising up his cheeks—and it's only  _ then _ , that Zayn realises how close they are. 

 

Breathing each other's air, chests pressed up, fingers digging into each other’s skin. 

 

'Now what did you attack me with a Pokéball for again?’

 

Zayn grimaces, furrowing his eyebrows, 'Prom?’

 

'Zayn. . .  _ Of course _ ’

 

_ Liam looks kinda beautiful. Eyebrows unmoving, lips parted, eyes caramel brown.  _

 

Zayn is kinda fucked.

 

†

 

The prom is  _ tacky.  _

That's the only way to describe it;  _ tacky.  _

 

The balloons are tacky, the music is tacky, the food is tacky, the DJ is tacky, the décor is tacky, the students’ attire is tacky, the students are tacky—

 

_ Everything is tacky. And cliché.  _

 

Like a rip–off edition of High School Musical. 

 

But Liam  _ loves it.  _ And  _ Liam _ is kinda beautiful. So the prom must be kinda beautiful. Maybe Zayn is wrong. 

 

He smiles as soon as he enters the hall, and looks around like it’s not just the old sports hall with a ball stuck in a ceiling light and a massive dent along the side wall, just covered in blue sparkly paper and fairy lights. 

 

Like it's something  _ magical.  _ And Zayn wishes he had that kind of optimism. 

 

'Fuck me’ Liam mutters almost reverently, 'This is  _ bloody amazing _ ’

 

And Zayn vaguely wonders when he started talking like Ron Weasley, which makes him wanna ask Liam if he's read  _ The Cursed Child _ . 

 

If he still reads. If he would like to read with Zayn someday. If he would like to lay in bed, shirtless, and skate over Marvel comics, limbs intertwined and eyes wide. 

 

Or take turns reading  _ The Cursed Child  _ out loud to each other, cups of coffee cold and untouched, limbs tangled in a mess of blankets and pillows.

 

_ Zayn’d like that.  _

 

'Zayn?’ Liam repeats beside him, and Zayn decides to store those questions away for later. 

 

Because nothing is as important as Liam.

 

'Dance with me?’ he smiles hopefully and Zayn’s heart sinks. 

 

_ 'Dance? _

 

'Leeyum, babe—I do– I don’t dance, yanoe?’

 

Liam rolls his eyes and grabs Zayn’s hand, before pulling him onto the floor. 

 

Zayn crashes into a younger couple, and is forced to stop and apologise while Liam just laughs like a little shit. 

 

After being on the receiving end of more death glares than he's even sent before, he finally joins Liam, head hung shamefully. 

 

'This is your fault’ he spits, but there’s no spite. Liam just laughs and kisses his cheek and yea—

 

_ That makes up for everything.  _

 

Zayn can't help but grin like an idiot from then on. 

  
  


But then it all goes wrong. It becomes an  _ eerily similar _ re–enaction of that playground incident Zayn had when they were 8.

 

Some kid (who was obviously salty about never receiving “head” from Liam) brushed past Liam– _ Zayn’s Liam _ – and wolf–whistled, and invited him for a “quickie” in the bathroom. 

 

When Liam didn't reply, he kept hovering around them, making snide remarks about  _ gay people _ and  _ Muslims  _ and  _ sluts.  _

 

And Liam tried to ignore him for a while, but Zayn could see the way he was biting his lip, wide–eyed. The way his nails dug into the rich fabric of Zayn’s rented tux. He could tell it was bothering Liam. 

 

So Zayn pushes himself away from Liam and confronts the kid. 

 

'What do you want?’ Zayn growls, taking two steps forward, caging him against a wall. 

 

Sparkly blue paper rustles behind them and the boy lazily chuckles, 'A nice ass, right now—by the way, is this “buy one get one free” because  _ damn  _ I wouldn't mind you either’

 

_ This is like something out of a film.  _

 

'Fuck off’ Zayn snarls, vaguely registering Liam pulling at his tux and urging him to get away, ‘Stay away from us, you little shit’

 

'I may be little, but my prick isn't—you wanna come see?’  _ Unbelievable.  _

 

'No thanks’ Zayn grits out, shoving Liam away slightly, 'Come near Liam and I’ll  _ kill you _ ’

 

The boy flushes, looking angry now. 

 

Zayn spins round and grabs Liam’s hand, squeezing his fingers gently ( _ because no matter how angry he is at the world, Liam needs to be protected and wrapped in bubble wrap and treated with care _ ), before walking away like the  _ bigger person.  _

 

‘A gay Muslim is threatening  _ me.  _ Go blow up something, dumb Paki’ Zayn hears from behind him. 

 

He tenses, and tries not to look back, tries to pull Liam away faster, who now looks too pale to be healthy. 

 

'That's right. Walk away. Good you remembered you can't blow people up here because we’re white here’

 

Liam squeezes his fingers tightly and Zayn tries to focus on anything else; the remixed version of  _ I took a pill in Ibiza  _ playing from the speakers, the blinding blue walls, the tacky lighting, the feel of Liam’s clammy hand in his his. 

 

'How much do your parents regret having you? Bloody  _ brown, gay fag _ ’

 

Zayn shakes his head and tugs his hand away from Liam’s before rushing back to the boy and punching him square in the nose. 

 

A strangled scream escapes Liam’s lips and the boy lurches back against the wall, his head making a sickening thump as it has the wall. 

 

The chatter around them stops and the lights flash on, and suddenly students are crowded around them, covering their mouths and whispering. 

 

And Zayn frantically turns to look for Liam—

 

Liam, who is still clutching Zayn’s tux—pale and wide–eyed, but is still kinda beautiful. 

 

†

 

They’re both 17 when one minute Liam is reading French out loud (because Zayn may have been expelled, but he still needs an education) with Zayn's head in his lap, and the next Liam is asking if he can kiss Zayn. 

 

The fan is whirring in the background as Zayn just blinks up at him, wide–eyed and caught off guard. 

 

'Sorry?’ he says because  _ this doesn't just happen. Liam Beautiful Payne does not just ask Zayn to kiss him.  _

 

This doesn't happen to Zayn. It doesn't. 

 

'Kiss me’

 

His heart is pounding in his ears as he bites his lip and pulls himself up, before twisting round to face Liam and—

 

Pressing their lips together. Kissing. K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

 

_ And it’s like a bleeping dream. Fucking dreaming. Zayn is fucking dreaming.  _

 

Zayn sucks Liam’s upper lip between his lips, fingers gripping Liam’s short hair and Liam is responding so  _ beautifully— _

 

His brown eyes gently shut, lips so needy and vulnerable, little sounds escaping his mouth; flowing into Zayn's mouth like they're  _ one.  _

 

( _ They are one _ . And Liam is still _ kinda beautiful. _ )

 

Liam is the first to break away, flushed and pretty. He eyes Zayn’s lips for a short second, before his gaze returns to Zayn’s eyes—wide and dark and blown. 

 

Zayn bites his bottom lip down (as if to ground himself. Prevent himself from getting lost in  _ LiamLiamLiam _ ). And then he's giggling. 

 

Giggling breathlessly, his tense figure slowly starting to shake. 

 

He feels _ high.  _ Ant–and–Danny–after–4–spliffs–high. 

 

Liam’s lips twitch too, his eyes widening dramatically. 

And then he starts laughing softly, his eyes wide and twinkling. 

 

And then, Liam  _ snorts _ and everything goes silent except the ever–whirring fan.

 

_ HOW ADORABLE IS HE HAI ALLAH HELP ME— _

 

Zayn cracks first, laughing loudly into the palm of his hand. Liam looks reserved and weary for a second, before his façade slowly cracks and he’s laughing too. 

 

They’re both laughing with tears running down their cheeks and a red flush up their faces. 

 

Breathless and carefree and everything two teenage boys in love should be. 

  
  
  


†

 

'Hey’ Zayn says loudly, grinning cheekily as he nudges his hip against Liam’s, 'Pretty sick we got to go t’ the same uni, huh?’

 

Liam rolls his eyes as Zayn produces a rose from the back pocket of his jeans and tucks it into Liam’s locker.

 

'No’ Liam muses, failing to hide his smile as he slams his locker shut, 'Now I have to deal with your stupid ass’

 

'You’re gonna have to deal with dirty asses when we have babies,’ Zayn mutters indignantly, 'I’m so much better in comparison’

 

Liam throws his head back and laughs, crinkling his eyes like the warm wrinkles in freshly ironed clothes. 

 

A warm feeling spreads through Zayn’s chest as he lets instinct take over and steps forward, caging Liam between his arms and the locker. 

 

Liam’s laughter fades out as his eyes widen and he bites his lip, 'Stop Zayn! We’re freshmen, we’re not meant to be doing this’

 

Zayn grins, lopsided, 'And I care because?’

 

'Because you’ll get to have the first taste of sleeping on my room couch tonight if you don’t stop' 

 

And Zayn’s leaning in close enough that they share the same air, for a few moments, before sighing and pulling back.

 

Liam lets out a shaky sigh, frazzled as he stands back up properly and looks Zayn in the eye. 

 

'Fuck you. I'm hard now’ 

 

†

 

_ 'Are you sure _ ?’

 

Liam is kinda beautiful. Bare skinned, flushed, a thin sheen of sweat coating him. His legs thrown over Zayn’s shoulders, his body shaking with arousal. 

 

'Yes, yes! Now do it before I change my mind' 

 

Zayn nods and exhales shakily. He doesn't know why he’s debating this now—

 

He's wanted it for  _ ages. Wanted to ruin Liam for ages;  _ tear him apart in the most gentle way.

 

His dick is hard where it’s positioned against Liam’s tight hole and this is the  _ worst  _ time he could've chosen to realise how emotionally unprepared he is for this. 

 

'No no no  _ no’  _ he repeats as he gently tugs Liam’s legs off his shoulders and flops back against the bed beside his love. 

 

'I’m sorry jaan’ he groans, throwing his arm over his face as Liam rolls over and nuzzles into his chest. 

 

_ This is the 3rd time. 3rd fucking time he's chickened out like some teenage prat. It’s bloody stupid.  _

 

'It’s fine Zee’ Liam whispers, tracing the inky angel wings that flourish along Zayn’s chest. 

 

'I’m kinda flattered that you think this is such a big step’ he adds, smiling softly, 'Reminds me how serious you are about  _ us _ ’

 

They're silent for a few moments, until Zayn registers Liam’s fingers tracing his inner thigh; dangerously close to his cock. 

 

'Li?’

 

'Hm?’

 

'You're still horny aren't ya?’

 

‘ _. . .  _ Yeah'

 

'Handjob?’

 

'Handjob.’

 

†

 

Zayn bites his lip in concentration as he repeatedly adjusts the mirror in his hands, trying to catch the light.

 

Liam is sitting in the middle of the classroom, looking beautiful from outside the building. 

 

( _ And probably from inside too _ )

 

Zayn pulls the ciggy away from his mouth and tucks it behind his ear, squinting as he shifts yet again. 

 

He chuckles smugly when the light finally catches the mirror and reflects through the classroom window beautifully, creating a sharp beam of light. 

 

It first hits the bored looking blond kid sitting by the window, and Zayn grins as he furrows his eyebrows and turns to the window, realisation dawning on his features.

 

Zayn nods his head and the kid breaks into a grin, before turning to the kid next to him and muttering something. 

 

_ Bless Niall.  _

 

And soon people are passing the message along the room,  _ “Get Liam, Zayn needs him” _ and Zayn cannot love the world anymore. 

 

Finally, the pretty brunette sitting next to Liam ( _ Eleanor,  _ Zayn thinks her name is) taps Liam's arm and points at the window with a fond smile. 

 

Zayn’s pretty sure everyone’s watching them as Liam breaks into a smile and an embarrassingly obvious blush rises up Zayn’s face. 

 

He chucks the mirror aside a d reaches down to pick up the piece of paper from the grass, before holding it up to the window, squinting as the Sun hits his eyes again. 

 

_ “Coffee? x”  _ it reads;  _ short  _ and  _ sweet. Like Liam.  _

 

Liam bites his lip, amused as he nods. He holds his wrist up and points to his watch, mouthing something.

 

_ In twenty minutes. _

 

Zayn shakes his head frantically, wide–eyed, because  _ no that’ll not do.  _

 

“ _ NOW” _ he mouths back, mouth wide and eyes wider. 

 

Niall by the window giggles and Liam shakes his head, fond evident in his actions. Eleanor nudges him and mutters something to him, her eyes on Zayn and a cheeky grin on her lips. 

 

Liam widens his eyes and pulls back, looking horrified.

 

Zayn guesses Liam’s probably blushing too.  _ Eleanor. _

 

He bites his lip, smiling as Liam raises his hand and says something to Mrs Johnson, who flails her hand at him, rolling her eyes. 

 

Liam stands up and throws Zayn a subtle smile as he packs away his stuff; practically shoving everything into his bag. 

 

_ He’s just as eager as Zayn.  _

 

When he reaches the door, he turns round and gives Zayn a last grin over his shoulder, before exiting the room. 

 

Heart hammering, Zayn grins and tries to gather his stuff together as quickly as possible, making an even bigger mess in the process. 

 

When he finally manages to sort himself out, he waves through the window happily and earns a wave back from almost every student in the room. 

 

Then he darts away before Mrs Johnson peers out of the window and asks the class if they're all messing with her. 

 

†

 

'I CAN’T DO THIS!’ Liam yells, breaking Zayn out of his English essay. 

 

Zayn frowns, and pushes his glasses up into his hair, 'What’s wrong babe?’ 

 

And Liam looks kinda beautiful, as usual; red–faced and flushed and heaving. 

 

_ He's always beautiful.  _

 

'ZAYN YOU ARE SO FUCKING MESSY—YOU’VE GOT CHARCOAL ON MY WHITE VANS THIS TIME! I HATE ROOMING WITH YO—’

 

'Wait’ Zayn interrupts, amused, 'White Vans? Seriously?’ 

 

Liam rolls his eyes, and next thing Zayn’s getting hit in the nose by a flying Van.  _ Van. Vans. Singular Vans— _

 

'CAN YOU EVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?!’ Liam yells, interrupting Zayn from his stream of thoughts. 

 

Zayn merely bites his lip in response to the question and Liam groans, opening the main door before coming over and rolling his desk chair away from the desk. 

 

'Li—What are you doing?’

 

Liam doesn't reply immediately, just continues pushing until Zayn is positioned just in front of the door. 

 

' _ Leeyum _ ’

 

Liam huffs and pauses, 'You can be smug outside our room. Have fun’

 

And with that, he pushes Zayn on his desk chair outside the room, before slamming the door shut. 

 

_ What the fuck. _

 

†

 

Twenty minutes later, Liam opens the door and comes out with chocolate milk and cookies as an apology. 

 

And Zayn forgives him. As always. 

 

†

 

At graduation, Liam is crying with happiness. 

 

After 3 years of blood and sweat and tears and caffeine—

 

_ They’ve finally made it.  _

 

He laughs joyfully as he throws his Oxford cap into the air with the other students, pulling Zayn in for a hot kiss as it flies up. 

 

Liam gasps as Zayn tugs him close, and they kiss wetly, hotly as people cheer around them because  _ everyone’s happy to leave uni and begin their lives.  _

 

Liam pulls away just in time to catch his cap, a wide grin on his face.

_ 'WE DID IT—ZAYN WE DID IT!’  _ He yells, placing his hands on Zayn's shoulder and shaking him hard. 

 

( _ And Zayn can save his boner for later _ )

 

So Zayn just grins and flicks the cap off Liam’s head, before pulling him close again. 

' _ Yea jaan. We did it _ ’

 

†

 

'ZAYN! ZAYN—I GOT THE JOB! I–I  _ GOT THE JOB! _ ’

 

'That’s brilliant Li' Zayn gasps, as Liam stumbles into his arms, a wide smile on his face.

 

'Can you believe it?!’ Liam mumbles, pulling away, the tip of his nose red with the cold, lips chapped and pink. 

 

_ Zayn has never wanted to kiss him more.  _

 

'Actually. I can' Zayn hums, smiling as he breaks away from Liam’s embrace. 

 

Liam raises a confused eyebrow as Zayn grabs his hand and wordlessly tugs him forward. 

 

'Zee where are you taking me?’

 

Zayn shushes him, unable to stop smiling as he leads Liam into the balcony of their flat. 

 

He sneaks a glance at Liam when they enter, and realises for the millionth time.

 

_ Liam is kinda beautiful.  _ Especially like this; the soft glow of the tealights highlighting his smooth skin. 

 

His coffee brown eyes glittering; pink lips parted. His birthmark trembling as he gulps.  

The picnic blankets and food and tealights and candles don't look all that special to him, but  _ again _ . 

 

Liam is kinda beautiful, so this must be kinda perfect. 

 

†

 

Liam is kinda beautiful. Especially in his soft, brown winter coat, gingham scarf carelessly slung over his shoulders. 

 

His lips chapped as ever, most–likely painful smile on his lips. 

 

Zayn huffs as he raises a nervous hand up and waves to him across the street. 

 

Liam’s smile  _ brightens _ , if that’s even possible and he waves back with vigour and love that Zayn immediately falls in love with. 

 

A crooked smile tugs at Zayn's lips and he reaches down, before re–emerging with two steaming  _ Costa  _ cups in his hand. 

 

“ _ Coffee?”  _ He mouths across the road, unable to stop smiling. 

 

Liam grins, eyes crinkling and blows a kiss into his gloved hand before flinging it at Zayn. 

 

Zayn puckers his lips back at Liam, eyes closed. He’s so  _ giddy,  _ so. . .

 

Infatuated. In love. In  _ love.  _

 

And maybe he shouldn’t have done that, because. 

 

The next thing he hears is a strangled scream and an aggressively pressed horn. He opens his eyes to the confusion and spots  _ crimson.  _

 

A pool of crimson flowing out in the middle of the read, tracing back to sandy hair and wide brown eyes.

 

His world comes to a stop, and as he exhales softly, everything becomes clearer. 

 

His fingers loosen round the cups, and he doesn't realise as they slip through his grip.  _ Thud, splash.  _

 

Coffee seeps out of the cups and ruin his warm shoes, but he doesn't realise as he runs onto the road, dodging uncaring drivers in their uncaring cars and causing an angry commotion. 

 

He doesn't  _ care _ as he crouches down beside his love, eyes burning because of the winter cold. 

Or not. 

 

(It’s Liam. It's always Liam)

 

'Jaan’ Zayn whispers almost reverently, tracing his fingers through Liam’s soft, bloody hair. 

 

Liam cracks a smile. With difficulty. Zayn doesn't know where to touch; what to say; what to do. 

 

'Hey Zayn I’ Liam whispers. 

 

And that's. T-that's  _ it.  _

 

His eyes droop and his fingers relax, dropping against the concrete. 

 

Zayn feels everything caving in on him, feels desperate as he rolls Liam over and gently brings his head into his lap. 

 

People are muttering around him, much like that prom night back in Year 11, but Zayn can't focus on anything with Liam in his hands. 

 

The engagement ring burns a hole through his pocket as he breaks down, kissing Liam’s cold lips, his tears warming them up. 

 

_ Would you have married me? _

 

†

 

**'And I love you so much. That's right. Love. Present tense.**

 

**You may not be with us anymore, let's face it. You're not. You wouldn't want me spewing out any of that “he’s in our hearts now” bullshit.**

 

**You were perfect. You are perfect—you're probably doing a hair flip up in heaven right now. Sup Lima bean.**

 

**_Cue watery laugh._ **

 

**You’re amazing. And I will join you—I don't know when, but we will sort it out. It's a date.**

 

**Now I deserve my moment of anger at you, because Leeyum—babe. Quoting Michael Schultze, “You said you'd grow old with me”**

 

**And you haven't. At least if you don't consider 25 old.**

 

**_Laugh again._ **

 

**So, Liam. I'm joining you. To grow old with you up there, same life plan yanoe—just.**

**In a different place. Because you're an inconsiderate twat who can't live up to his promises.*cough cough***

**Also, I don't know if I have ever said this to you in person but.**

**You're kinda beautiful.Everything about you is Beautiful. And I don't want you to ever forget that.**

**So here goes my little fast track to heaven. Please put in a word with the angels to let me in quickly.**

 

**Till then; much love. Much much love. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses**

 

**(Lots of dick)**

 

**I love you, my star; my moon; my Sun to my Earth, the Earth to my moon; the sole reason of my revolution.**

 

**I love you.**

**I love you.'**

  
  


**_But I can't be sober_ **

**_I cannot sleep._ **

**_You've had your peace now._ **

**_What about me ?_ **

 

**_Thought we had the time, had our lives_ **

**_Now you'll never get_ **

**_Older, older._ **

**_Didn't say goodbye, now_ **

**_I’m frozen in time_ **

**_Getting colder. Colder._ **

 

**_One last word,_ **

**_One last moment._ **

**_To ask_ **

**_You why;_ **

**_You left me here behind?_ **

 

**_You said you'd grow old with me_ **

 

( _ And if Zayn cries while the pills sail down his throat, no one needs to know _ )

 

†

**Author's Note:**

> how was it ?!?! this fic is my baby js show it some love pls but don't hold back on criticism.  
>  feedback forever appreciated. i originally didn't set out to kill liam but it just happened. sorry


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